So I’ve been struggling what to have my next post be about. Every post up until this one I’ve had a clear image or pull towards a topic to share. But not this one. For some reason this one has been tougher to decide what I want to open up about. I have plenty to share….trust me! Sometimes I feel like my life is a three ring circus!! But then again whose isn’t? But my last post was hard; it was exposing a huge detour that I wasn’t expecting. It came out of nowhere and has derailed me. There are so many emotions I haven’t even tapped into yet. And after officially scheduling my 5th surgery for endometriosis I’m exhausted. I am emotionally exhausted and more vulnerable than I’ve ever been. No one warned me that the more vulnerable you are the more you feel emotionally!! Haha I guess that’s the point though right ;)
So because I’m sharing my struggles through this blog, literally as I’m living them, I feel exposed. My emotional struggles are out there for everyone to read. So I think maybe that’s why I’ve become “distracted” from posting again. I’m avoiding the emotions and fear the judgement that others may put on me. I can feel my guarded walls creeping back up and find myself reaching for my body armor again. I’m pushing every emotion I feel down the well again and beginning to distance myself from my loved ones.
I’ve officially started to put my “surgery face” on……and yes there’s such a thing, kind of like a “game face”. It’s when you bury any emotion you feel and just keep telling yourself to get through the surgery. You focus on the logistics of the procedure and the recovery plan. You worry about everyone else but yourself; the burden the surgery will have on your loved ones, how they’re schedules and time will be impacted. And you start to shove your own emotions down the well because all you can do is literally just focus on getting through the surgery. You block everything out and just tell it matter of fact “I’m having surgery for this and I will be out for approximately this amount of time” and you stop it there. The second you feel a fear, a moment of weakness or a tear coming you lock it up. This is the “surgery face”. And after multiple surgeries you can become quite a master of it and trust me I know (I’m a master of it).
The classic responses of “I’m ok; I know it’s for the best!” or “Oh it will be fine. I’m in the best of hands” when someone asks you how you’re doing comes out so easily. But inside you’re flipping out. Your mind is running rancid. You are screaming with frustration, worry and fear; sometimes wanting to punch a wall with anger or just collapse in tears and pain. But you don’t. You put that game face on, suck it up and push through it. Push through the pain, the emotions and the fear. All of your energy is spent just getting yourself through the day without letting the pain knock you down. You block out everything else. Sounds like a great way to go about it huh….but that is my reality! This is my life and how I handle these detours. So as I’m writing this out I realize I am doing the exact same thing I have done with all my previous surgeries, even though I literally said in my last post I didn’t want to. Quite the self-check for me lol!
So right now I’m at a loss. I realize I have buried emotions and am focusing on the logistics of this surgery, just as I have all my past surgeries. I’m going to admit something that I don’t do for various reasons. I am openly admitting to all you readers that I am in pain. And this isn’t a muscle soreness pain, a painful period or upset stomach type of pain. This is a pain where knives are jabbing straight through your intestines, your insides are being twisted, every organ in your midsection hurts and any movement makes it worse. You can tell your intestines aren’t moving….they’re literally one solid rock, bound together by scar tissue. Your bladder isn’t expanding because of the scar tissue. You can’t take a deep breathe because there’s so much inflammation surrounding your diaphragm. This is the pain I am living with. Now I’m not looking for pity or attention. Like I said, I don’t admit when I’m in pain. My loved ones usually have to pull it out of me to even admit when I am. So I’m not needing someone to say “aww you poor thing”. Because this is my journey, this is the journey God has for me. The detours are all for a reason, a purpose. I don’t know what that purpose is yet (and some days it drives me nuts!!) but I may never know (and that would suck yes). But I just have to trust in Him that he will use me for His purpose, His plan that he has for me, whatever that may be.
So as I wrap up this rambling post I vow to myself to take the next few weeks to open up my well again and have moments of self-reflection. Self-reflection is humbling. We ALL need to do this as we are ALL human. So can we each take a few minutes to self-reflect on our own lives? Let’s humble ourselves in this crazy time and self-reflect on ourselves, opposed to focusing and judging so much of others. You never know what someone else is going through or the journey they are on. But you know the journey YOU are on, so reflect on your life opposed to someone else’s. :)