The time has come to start this blog. The time has come to open up about what I have kept so close to my heart. It’s time to stop being afraid of judgement and opinions. I am ready to start peeling the layers I have built. The layers I formed over the years after each surgery, each obstacle I had to overcome. I relate well to Shrek when he references ogres are like onions because they have so many layers to peel back. Well that is me to a “T”. My layers come out of protection of my emotions, my scars and my fears. In all honesty I don’t let many people into my life fully. I keep most at arms distance; primarily out of fear of judgement and lack of worthiness.
I’ve always bottled up my emotions. In fact I keep them in a pretty deep well; it’s so easy to just dump them in there and forget about them. But the past year made me realize just how deep of a well I have and how it’s prohibiting me from growing as a child of God and deepening the relationships in my life. You see I thought often about starting a blog about my endometriosis journey but kept finding excuses or delays. I feared, and still do, the judgement, the emotions and the wounds.
I would talk myself out of starting this blog. I’d tell myself my struggle wasn’t difficult, large or devastating enough to share. That people would see this as a way for attention or pity opposed to the real reason. But then it happened; God spoke to me. You ever have one of those moments? That moment where time stops and God steps into your life and halts everything so you can simply just hear him? Well for the first time in my life this happened.
It was during the COVID-19 Pandemic. I was working from home and listening to the previous Sunday’s message from my church. My Pastor asked three questions in his message with the last one hitting me “What calling are you overlooking?” Shortly after listening to this I read a devotional my dad sent me earlier in the week called “Your Misery is Your Ministry”. I started to read this and “My Savior My God” by Aaron Shust came on my Pandora. Well let me tell you I have never had such a clear voice and message from God. And I am definitely one that needs something to hit me square in the face before I realize it.
Anyways, I immediately started to cry with a calmness and understanding. I knew what he had been trying to tell me all these years. I had to share, even if it only brought awareness or comfort to one person and even if that one person was I. I finally realized it wasn’t about me. It was about fulfilling God’s plan and I had to trust he would do what he needed to with it. He was giving me the courage I needed.
When I first considered sharing my health journey with endometriosis I saw an ending to it all, my hysterectomy. I thought that was the end of my struggles with endometriosis. It was during my recovery that I first thought about starting a blog. I wanted to share my story to bring awareness about endometriosis and offer support & encouragement to others experiencing a similar struggle. I thought it was fitting then, or rather the perfect ending in a sad way, that I start the blog after the hysterectomy. I assumed that would be my last surgery. So I thought I’d write a couple entries on the struggles of having endometriosis and that would be the end of the blog.
Well that was over 3 years and I’m still on this “health” journey….including two additional surgeries after my hysterectomy, and who knows how many more. Over the course of this time I kept stalling. I kept telling myself I couldn’t start a blog until I had an end or something more drastic happen. Don’t ask me why I thought this but I did. It wasn’t until my “ah ha” moment with God that I realized I don’t need an ending or someone to tell me my journey is or isn’t worth a blog. The joy and purpose of a journey is to embrace the in between, not the beginning and end. We all have of our own journey in life that defines who we are.
So as I write this first entry I am struggling daily with the obstacles that are placed in my path. I am still dealing with my endometriosis and other health issues. My relationship with God is still growing. But I now know I don’t have to expose or ramble off every thought I have on this very first post.
Instead, I am going to just start where I feel God’s presence and go from there. I mean we’re all works in progress right?? This blog is no different. You will see errors in my grammar and punctuation (side note: I did not graduate with a journalism or similar degree, I was a business major and thank God for spellcheck). This blog will be raw, authentic and sensitive. It will be my therapy. It will hopefully provide comfort or reassurance for women experiencing similar health issues but more importantly it will showcase God’s work in one individual, me being that individual ;)
So this is where I start. My journey, my adventure, my story.