“Why God?” “Why did this happen to me?” “Haven’t I already been through enough?” “How much more can one person handle?!” These were the questions that would run through my mind constantly and quite honestly still do from time to time. I’d allow myself to fall into the self-pity talk. Ever been there? I’d be willing to bet yes. I think we can all agree we each have our moments of this talk, just different reasons or situations that get us there.
I had every intention of my next post being about my second surgery. But then I heard a message the other day from my Pastor that talked about something I’ve been struggling with over the past few days. He talked about going from a victim to victor. This was one of those messages that hit me square in the face and took me off course. It felt like Pastor Shawn knew exactly what I was struggling with and spoke directly to me. And that, my friends, is the power of God. He knows what we need to hear way before we sometimes even know we need to hear it.
So anyways this past week I’ve been struggling, like a lot. I learned my endometriosis has come back and yet another surgery will need to take place (saving the details on that for now). I’ve been in my self-pity mindset, my “Why me” state of mind. And then God spoke to me through Pastor’s message. And just a total side note, we don’t need to see or talk to anyone specific in order to speak directly to God. We can go directly to him at any time, no matter where we are or who we are. That’s the beauty of God. He just wants us to have a relationship with him. Sometimes, though, God uses other people in our life to showcase his work. Ok back to my initial topic…..ha if you haven’t noticed yet I can sometimes go off topic, “squirrel!?” Totally me.
Anyways….we can let our situations take control of our mindsets and fall into the victim mentality. I can fall victim to endometriosis. I can fear the unknown, blame my body, and hold anger towards God or whoever for that matter. I can become discouraged and resentful. I can push my loved ones away and act as though I have it all together. OR, I can rise victorious from it. I can put my trust in God and become a stronger person as a result. I can embrace the detour and share my experiences with others to maybe bring awareness or support to them. I can stand tall on my feet with my head held high as I wake each morning, still alive and breathing. Be blessed for all the amazing and loving people in my life, thankful for my two adorable little boys and proud of myself for what I have already overcome. Can you do something similar...focus on all the blessings in your life?
Now this isn’t always easy. But I can do my best to have the mindset of a Victor instead of a Victim. I can learn to embrace my struggles and hiccups in my life. The easy road, usually the one Satan is driving on, isn’t going to get me to my final destination. The easy road may allow me to ignore certain emotions or avoid conversations, surgeries or diagnoses but it won’t get me to God. Sometimes the rough road is where we need to go to find God, to feel him. We need the dark roads, the potholes, the roads under water. Because when we reach the end of the road we will be right where we need to be. We will have learned how to trust the road God has for us. It’s on that road we learn what we’re capable of, how strong we are and how God will always be by our side.
My rough road is teaching me about God. Its showing me everything he gave up for ME. It’s showing me his unconditional love and support as well as his heart. You may be wondering how I come to this given the road I’ve been on or even just how that relates to a health condition like endometriosis. Well just wait and I’ll dive into that a bit later!
Today I just want to focus on becoming a victor rather than a victim. It’s so easy to feel defeated with endo or any struggle we may have, no matter how big or small. The news of my endometriosis returning has left me feeling this…… the endo must feel so attached to me it didn’t want to leave! Ha pun intended too. Learning this though has been one of the most frustrating moments of my life, seriously. I thought it was gone, that chapter of my life closed and in the books. So yes I definitely am having my weak, frustrated moments. Victim mentality has crept in my mind this week. But as I process and work through what is still yet to come on my road I know I can be and will be victorious. I will rise above this because God has me.