Well this definitely isn’t a spot I’d find myself in again. Yet I can’t say I’m surprised. Just when I think I can close the chapter on my medical journey the words I have come to despise and all too familiar are said to me. “You need another surgery to correct this”. Are you effing kidding me?? You’re joking right?? What do you mean my body is rejecting the mesh? Is that even a thing? I’m a healthy woman who takes care of myself; I eat healthy (well most of the time haha, those damn Peanut M&M’s), I workout and have grown to listen to my body. I literally did everything the doctors asked of me during my recovery. I don’t know what else I could have done. Yet my body is still rejecting the mesh from my double hernia repair from a few months ago.
It’s such a hard pill to swallow. When you do everything right, follow the book and listen to all the instructions yet the outcome isn’t what you expected. Hello frustration. Like how much more can my body handle? My incisions from my last surgery aren’t even fully healed, my body not to full strength and my emotions still on edge. I even told myself this last surgery was different, it truly was going to be my last. I was confident all the endometriosis was gone from my last surgery in October, confident there couldn’t be anything else wrong with my body and confident in the doctor’s ability to repair the hernia. I never prepped myself for my body rejecting the mesh.
Now I’ve prepped myself for the endometriosis to come back. That’s something I will always anticipate coming back and quite honestly any woman who struggles with endometriosis I’m sure can agree with me there (sad I know but true). But I didn’t prep myself for this, my own body rejecting the material that was holding my intestines from protruding through my muscles. I was in denial yet knew something wasn’t right. I could feel it. I shouldn’t be in this much pain. But I didn’t want to believe it. Partially because everyone kept telling me to just give it time. Let my body heal and adjust to the mesh. But honestly I was denying it because I didn’t think I could handle another surgery. I didn’t think my body could be stretched, sliced and be rebuilt for the 8th time. I didn’t think my heart could tell my boys again that mommy had to have another surgery. I didn’t think I could look into the eyes of all my loved ones and see the same worry I’ve grown to know over the last few years. Or look into my own eyes in the mirror and find the strength to have it all together. I was in denial because I’ve been so sick of having to rebuild my body, put on a brave face and have my life go down, again, a detour I didn’t see coming (ha I probably should have reread some of my own blog posts). I didn’t want to accept that this surgery was part of the plan God had for me.
But here I am prepping for my surgery next week. An all too familiar spot rearranging schedules for my kids, asking for others to pick up my slack at work, trying to convince everyone I’m a strong woman only to fall apart when I start thinking about going under again; another road to recovery and once again leaning on my loved ones. But…..this time I’m not questioning God. I’m not angry at my body, doctors or His plan. I’m not raising my fist to Him questioning why me and not someone else or why He gave me a body that is “damaged” like I have in the past. Don’t get me wrong I’ve cursed in my conversations with Him. But I am at the point where I don’t have the energy to question, the courage to fight or the strength to appear “fine” anymore. I am letting God fight my battle; I have turned it all over to Him. I am simply going to be obedient and trust Him. And maybe that’s part of the purpose for my current detour. Our struggles, detours and obstacles are usually a time when God is creating the greatest growth, the biggest comeback and deepest peace within us. Now it’s easy to trust in His plan when things are going well but the true test is when things don’t go our way. How do we look to God then; in anger and question or in prayer and obedience?
Let me tell you that I’ve looked to Him with anger and questioning before. I’ve raised my fist to Him and it left me a bitter, angry person pointing fingers when I shouldn’t have been. It left me feeling alone and depressed, pushing people out of my life instead of in. But this time I am looking to God with obedience. This spot, right here and now, is where He planned for me to be. I don’t understand it and I may never. But I don’t have to and maybe I’m not even supposed to. I just have to obey Him and know that he will use it for a greater purpose. I am to praise Him regardless of how crappy my situation is, how big the storm or difficult the road I’m facing. It’s when we’re in the trenches, the battleground that our faith in Him is tested the most. So my question to you is when things in your life don’t go as you planned, do you get angry and start pointing fingers? Or can you simply trust in the Lord’s plan, pray, obey Him and witness the struggle you’ve been faced with peace in your heart. We don’t have to fight our own battles and struggles. We don’t need the strength or energy to fight. He has the ultimate strength and fight for us, we just need to obey. So lay down your fists, calm your voice and let Him fight it for you.