So full disclosure, I have attempted to write this post 3 different times over the last month. I wrote 3 different drafts but never finished or posted them. Now honestly I can’t tell you why, maybe it was because it didn’t feel genuine or the timing wasn’t right. Or maybe I wasn’t ready to share, I don’t know. But I recently I felt the urge. I felt God pushing me and telling me that now was the time. Shortly after feeling this I saw on my Facebook page that it was exactly one year ago I posted that my endometriosis returned. And just like that I was transported back to that time. It was a dark place, not going to lie. One of my worst fears took hold of me for I knew I was in for another surgery. Ha and what a sick joke that was knowing now I’ve actually had 3 not just the 1 since then! And some may question how, after the 3 surgeries in less than a year, I still don’t question God and His plan for me. Or why I’m not angry or resentful to Him. Now that would be the easy thing to do. It would be SO easy to blame, question or walk away from Him. To shake my fist at Him, curse Him (which if you know me you know I may or may not have a sailor’s mouth haha). But I haven’t.
I haven’t because I know without a doubt that I would not be where I am in my life right now if it wasn’t for the obstacles I’ve overcome this last year….3 surgeries, heartbreak and unknowns. I’ve experienced some of my deepest pain this past January. And it was in this deepest pain that I 100% surrendered my life to God. He knew all along what it would take for me to fully turn my life over to Him. He had been trying for years but I resisted. I fought back, pushed, shoved and turned away from Him, some may refer to this as my stubbornness but we won’t go there haha.
But this last year was different, I was tired and worn out. Tired of fighting, tired of putting on my brave face of “I’m good” and tired of picking up my shield to block the hits. I was worn out from stretching myself to thin trying to please everyone, worrying about others judgement and trying to be the person everyone else wanted me to be. It was then I just gave in, fell to my knees and raised my hands to God. I put down my armor against Him and let Him put his armor around ME. Because this is what He does for us. He wants to fight the battles we’re facing. Hell he knows what those battles are! He places certain battles and obstacles in our life so all we have left is to trust Him, to surrender and just let Him take over. So He can show us what He’s capable of, show us the warrior that He is.
He’s the Captain of our wars. He knows where the enemy is and next move being played. He knows where the enemy will strike and in what ways. So He puts himself in the first line of this fire, to protect us. We just sometimes get too impatient and jump the gun, trying to step in front of Him. But if we just let Him be our armor, our shield and our protector…..life’s battles would be much different. He’s the warrior we don’t have to be. Years ago I got the word “warrior” tattooed on my wrist and at the time it was to remind myself I had to be strong, stand on my own two feet and fight my own battles. I told myself no one else would fight them for me. But now it’s taken on a new meaning. I don’t have to be strong all the time or fight on my own, be my own warrior because He’s the warrior, my personal protector. Now I don’t know about you but having a personal protector sounds pretty sweet. I personally wouldn’t mind if that protector was say Thor from Marvel; I mean come on with those arm muscles, seriously! But we don’t always get what we want in life haha ;)
Anyways, we all have battles and obstacles in life. Each of our battles are unique to us, no one’s more or less difficult, no one’s more or less emotional than the other’s. Because God will use each battle of ours for a purpose. The purpose varies for each person as no two people are alike, nor are their struggles. We all experience the highs of mountain tops and the lows of deep valleys. But no matter where we are on the mountain, riding the highs in happiness or lows in deep pain, He is with us. He is always wearing the armor, holding up the shield and is at the frontline waiting to take the first hit for us. Sometimes we just need to duck down under His shield and let Him cover us. And this is what I’ve done this year. It hasn’t always been easy but even though my body is still in recovery, my mind still processing and emotions still at the surface, I am at peace because of Him. Because I have the ultimate warrior protecting me, God. And as I begin to peel back the next layer of my journey, sharing my 3rd surgery, I know that His armor will protect me, give me strength and the courage to share.