As I sit here wanting to share my journey I’m beginning to realize I don’t even know where to begin. The beginning seems so long ago, so many emotions that I have tucked away and told myself I would never expose again. So much pain, emotionally and physically, that I told myself I would never endure again. Some of my darkest days that to the naked eye appeared sunny and bright. What most don’t understand is the impact endometriosis, or any health issue for that matter, truly has on someone’s life.
I consider myself a pretty positive, upbeat person. I’m energetic, full of emotion and maybe even a little dramatic at times. However, when it comes to my health issues I shut down. I lock up my emotions. I put my “game face” on and power through it. Thus I went numb and never allowed myself to feel what I was feeling, unless I was alone (insert driving by myself and crying my eyes out to Staind). And even then I would tell myself my feelings weren’t justified, my struggle wasn’t great enough to be getting as upset as I was. My health issues weren’t “serious” so I didn’t feel as though I could complain or express my frustrations entirely about them. I would tell myself to "get it together!".
So I was told I couldn’t have kids; at least I could adopt. So I had to have surgery; they happen every day. So I had to change my diet (I have Celiac) for the rest of my life; at least I didn’t have to be on medication. So I had to have a hysterectomy at 31yrs of age; at least the endometriosis is gone (which is a false assumption – later on that though). As you can imagine, after having these thoughts for a long enough time period, I had talked myself out of feeling any sort of emotion and that my struggles weren’t justified. I told myself my issues were just little speed bumps when really they were large detours, under major construction. I just needed to figure out which detour I wanted to take…to or away from God.
Don’t get me wrong I’ve experienced the freshly paved roads; the smooth, beautiful, windy roads with fresh pops of color and gorgeous views. Most of the time though I saw myself traveling down the road heavy with construction, littered with debris and so many detours you don’t know which one to take. You know the kind...the dusty, dirty, annoying and inconvenient ones. That’s how I saw the journey God had me on. It wasn’t, and still isn’t, the prettiest of drives. I often thought I was on the road that was leading me to my destination but would hit a detour, and another and another. Anyone else relate to this??? Pretty soon you’re so pissed off from the detours you throw your hands up in the air, let out a frustrated yell or f* bomb and hit the “End Route” button on your phone’s GPS. I can’t tell you how many times I was there, and quite frankly I periodically still am.
But I am learning to embrace the road God has me on. That’s the beauty of our journey. So as I start to embark on this new venture of blogging I hope you’ll tag along with me as I open up those dark wells. My hope is you’ll see God’s heart through my journey and maybe learn a thing or two about the struggles someone with endometriosis can endure.