Well the time has come for my 6th surgery, 5th specifically for endometriosis. Tomorrow I’ll be at it again. And let me be honest with you, they don’t get any easier. Each surgery you lose a little more hope that this will be your last surgery for endometriosis. You do your best to be optimistic but each time you become a bit more cynical with it. You want to believe it’s the end but history keeps repeating itself.
Every time I would be prepped for surgery I would tell myself this is it. This is the last surgery. This is the last time I will have to put my body through this; the last time I will have to rebuild my muscles & body; the last time I will put my family through the worry and fear of me going under the knife. And yet here I am….about to walk through those hospital doors again and do it all over again. Still not knowing if this will be my last.
I will find myself being prepped for surgery again. I’ll be in the fashionable hospital gown, IV in my hand and stomach growling because I haven’t eaten in 24hrs. I will be poked and prodded. I’ll look into the eyes of my boyfriend and see the fear & worry written all of his face. My mind will drift to my two boys who I had to leave behind, wondering how they’re going to handle all this. I will be putting on my brave face, my fake smile & laugh as the nurses try to joke with me to ease my nerves. And as I lay on the OR table (before the meds kick in of course haha) my mind will be running at 100mph not knowing what condition I’ll be in when I wake. Not knowing what organs will be removed or repaired; not knowing how badly the endometriosis had grown or if the Doctor will have gotten it all removed. Because with endometriosis surgery you don’t know what will be found, cut or removed until you wake.
But this surgery is different than the rest. And it has nothing to do with the medical aspect of it. It has everything to do with where my faith is at and the loved ones surrounding me. This is the most vulnerable I have been going into surgery. And if you read my last couple of posts you can tell my struggles with this. But can I also tell you how much more loved, fulfilled and peaceful I feel? How my heart is bursting with love for all the people in my life supporting and caring for me? How I am overwhelmed with the thoughtfulness of so many people sending me prayers and love? And how much at peace I feel knowing God will use my pain for His purpose?
I have never experienced this before. This is the first surgery I don’t feel alone. I don’t feel like I have to go through it by myself or act tough. I can weep, show my fears and expose my weaknesses to my loved ones. I can fall to my knees and lift my hands up to God in surrender. Because I trust God, the journey and the struggles I’m experiencing.
Every struggle is for a purpose. Every triumph is for a purpose. And sometimes the same situation can be a struggle and a triumph. It’s all a matter of how you look at it. Do you see it as a hardship or a victory? My brokenness, hardships and scars have led me to God. Without my struggles I wouldn’t know God and His heart. I wouldn’t have opened my heart to the man of my dreams and I wouldn’t be leaning on my family like I am.
So the next time you find yourself in a battle or struggle, ask yourself if you can find the triumph in it. Can you find the purpose and trust in it? This isn’t easy, and I will be the first to admit that. Over the next few days my emotions will be all over…I’ll be riding a roller coaster of emotions, breaking down with tears, frustration and fears. But at the end of the day I know God has me and is using my pain for His purpose. And I trust Him, simple as that. Trust in the Lord with all your heart and soul and you will find a peace like nothing you’ve ever experienced.