After I had my first surgery I honestly did not think I would have to deal with endometriosis again, or at least so quickly after having Vander. I was only focusing on being a new mom. In my research I had read that sometimes pregnancy can slow endometriosis and in some cases diminish reoccurring symptoms. So I was hopeful and told myself this would be me. I put my hope in God that I wouldn’t have to go through another surgery like I had.
Well it was less than a year after having Vander that I noticed symptoms start to creep up again....and I was even on birth control (which typically slows the growth). But I ignored them. I didn’t want to accept what was happening. You ever find yourself in a similar situation? Where you focus so much on this one particular thing but never look past it? And then once that one particular thing has passed, you’re caught off guard with what follows?
Well that was me. I simply didn’t want to even consider that the endometriosis was growing back. I didn’t want to deal with. It was, once again, an area my body was failing me. So this was the true start of my emotional and spiritual shutdown. I didn’t understand how or why God would give me a beautiful and healthy child and then slap me with the endometriosis so quickly afterwards. And I know this sounds pitiful but it was my mindset during that time.
The little moat I built around myself started to deepen and widen. I literally started to block everyone out of my emotional life….my husband at the time, my family and even God. I started to push the closest ones around me away. I put my “big girl” pants on, implemented my “I’m fine, it’s all good” response and developed my “push through anything” mentality. All my energy was spent on trying to be the best mom to my newborn son. I didn’t have time to slow down and take care of my body. I didn’t have time to accept what was happening, who I was pushing away or allow myself to feel any emotion other than pure joy and happiness for being able to have my son. I was so thankful to God that I was able to carry my own child but at the same time so angry for having to battle the endometriosis again.
My symptoms had finally gotten to the point that I couldn’t function on a daily basis. The painful periods and the horrendous cramping of my bowels returned. I knew my pain was prohibiting me from being the mom that I knew my son deserved and the woman I wanted to be. So I made the decision to have another surgery.
Just about 2 years from my first surgery I went in for my second. We hadn’t discussed a second child at this point; I wasn’t even going to let my mind go there. I just knew the time had come that I needed it to function. So September of 2014 I had my second surgery for endometriosis. Once again it was all over inside my body...my intestines, my bladder and my tubes were almost completely blocked again. My doctor advised me I had a very aggressive case due to how much and how quickly it grew back.
After that I fell hard into the “why me” mentality and questioned God. I was angry at him and blamed him for what I was experiencing. I had convinced myself that no one, not even God, would understand what I was going through so why bother sharing it with anyone. I started to feel so alone even though I was surrounded by the most loving family and friends. Its when I mastered the fake "perfect life" exterior.