Search

When my fear has become my reality....

Well my ultimate fear with endometriosis has become my reality. I am, once again, going in for another surgery. This will make surgery #5 for my endometriosis (6th overall). And I’ve been sitting here staring at my screen for I don’t even know how long; debating whether to post about it. Do I share now or wait until everything is done? Have I even processed it enough to expose myself? Do I even want to open up about this yet?


But then I realized I need to, for my own therapy to help me navigate this detour I wasn’t expecting. This detour is seriously one of my biggest fears with endometriosis. I honestly cannot believe it is back and I am finding myself feeling like I’m back at square one. I mean seriously how much can one person take with this stupid disease?! I thought I was done with this. I thought I was done with these surgeries and my endometriosis chapter closed. But nope! Here I am, prepping myself for another surgery.


But I should have known there was always a possibility. You see one of the hardest parts of living with endometriosis is not knowing when the actual “end” is. You don’t get an “all clear” signal. It’s kind of like watching your favorite football team in the Super Bowl. It’s the last play of the game; your team is down by 3 points with the ball on the one yard line. The running back drives up the middle with the rest of the players landing on top. No clear visual if he is in for the winning touchdown or not. And they cut the game and say “whoops sorry!” no clear visual if he was in or not so moving on to the next game. And there you sit with your mouth gaping open, looking for the final call but never getting it. Pretty much sums up what it’s like living with endometriosis.


Unfortunately very few women actually receive the “all clear” sign. Simply put there isn’t a cure for endometriosis; what a positive and encouraging statement huh! Buts its 100% accurate. They can’t even determine why it occurs. There are opinions and theories but nothing concrete. You can take medications to suppress it and even have surgeries to remove it the best it can be, but even then there’s no guarantee. It’s like buying a brand new vehicle with no warranty! I had a surgery that I thought was the end, aka my “all clear” surgery. It was surgery #3. So I had mentally told myself after that surgery I could close my endometriosis chapter of my life. I would never put myself through that again. But I here I am 4 years later, literally still dealing with my endometriosis.


So needless to say it can be pretty draining some days. It’s a roller coaster of do I or don’t I have surgery. And unfortunately the only way to know if you have endometriosis is for a surgeon to perform an exploratory surgery (a laparoscopic procedure where small cameras are used to see inside). That’s the only way. So it’s a tough decision to even proceed with the surgery. How much pain can I handle before it’s too much? How long until the endometriosis starts impeding into my organs again? But more surgeries just mean more scar tissue right?


Can you see the roller coaster of deciding if surgery is the right choice? Oh but wait… I haven’t even started to hop on the emotional roller coaster of this decision. Ha we’re not even in Great America anymore…we’re now in some psychopath’s fun house when it comes to those!! I can go from such a positive, level-headed and hopeful state of mind to this dark, frustrated and defeated state. And it all stems from this back and forth of do I or don’t I mentality. It’s hard; it’s truly hard to know if you’re doing the right thing for your body, to live in this fear of it’s going to come back and to put yourself through yet another surgery, another recovery and another time your loved ones see you at your weakest.


I’m learning though the real question isn’t do I or don’t I have endometriosis again; it’s do I or don’t I put my faith in God and lean on my loved ones around me? Do I let them see my pain, my struggles and my emotions? My vulnerability with the decision and my fears? Would you believe that after 5 surgeries I have yet to fully do this? I have always kept a barrier with showing my loved ones the true weight of all this. I tried to lean on God but not fully. Well this is the first surgery I am doing this, or at least try my damnedest. My 6th surgery and my first time exposing my true self to my loved ones and to God. I am putting my faith in God and leaning into my loved ones.

93 views1 comment