Sometimes I don’t know how I got here, where I am in my life. This specific spot. It’s not what I had planned. I never in a million years thought I would be where I am right now. I’m broken and lost, defeated and exhausted. I don’t know my left from right or my top from bottom. I have never felt this out of control of my life. I just turned 35 and my life is so different that what I had planned. I question what detour I took, where did I make the wrong turn? How did I end up here? Did I miss my exit?
The tears that continue to fall are a constant reminder I’m broken, not in control of my emotions. The sobs are all the pain that I’ve held on for far too long that I didn’t even know existed. I feel like I have waterfalls coming out of my eyes or as the Grinch would say “I’m leaking”. Like this isn’t me. I always have my shit together. I’ve been able to lock all my emotions, pain and hurt in for so many years. Why now? Why now can’t I do that? Why can’t I pull myself together?
If I can have a moment of honesty, I’m struggling (if you couldn’t tell by my last two paragraphs – insert nervous laugh). I’m out of sorts, I feel as though I have lost my way. I’ve been broken into a million pieces and don’t know how to pick myself up. I have finally gotten to the point where I can’t even pick myself up anymore, like lost puzzle pieces on the floor. All of my strength has been spent on trying to get through unexpected surgeries, a pandemic, demons from my past and putting a brave face on. And now defeated, I continue to question why I can’t find my way.
But maybe that’s right where God intended me to be. Maybe God has put me here for a reason. See, if I continue to pick myself up then I don’t feel as though I need to lean on Him. I don’t need Him to save me, to lift me up when I no longer have the strength or wipe the tears that just won’t stop. I can handle life all by myself right? Nope. No way. Not even in the slightest. I need Him. And more than anything He wants us to lean on Him, to press into and trust Him. To completely, fully and wholeheartedly give our lives to Him and let Him be in the driver seat. And this is SO difficult (can you relate?!)…….well mainly for me because I love to literally be in the driver seat and hit the gas, feel the speed of the vehicle I’m driving but that’s getting off topic.
God doesn’t want us to have it all together, as humans we weren’t meant to. It’s not in our human ability to always have our shit together. We are going to continually feel pain and suffering, sadness and brokenness. It’s why He is there to pick us up when we can’t; to come into our life when we can no longer find the strength. We first though have to give Him that control; we need to let go, just simply let go. Let Him take our struggles, fears, worries and battles out of our hands and into His. He WANTS to fight our battles for us; we just need to hand him the sword so to speak. Just hand him your life and He will use Himself as your body armor; to defend and protect, to comfort and love us.
And let me tell you this is one of the hardest parts of being a Christian; salvation. And this usually comes at your weakest moment, your rock bottom and deepest pain. It’s when you don’t know where else to turn; when all the street lights are burnt out, road signs knocked down and no marked detours. And you’re just simply lost. But He has the roadmap, not you. So why not trust Him with the directions?